Are You In Love With a Narcissist?

Are you romantically involved with a narcissist? Actually, we might as well be asking you the following: Are you perpetually confused about your relationship, feeling ecstatic one day, heartbroken and emotional the next? Have you been trying to figure out if everything is your fault or if there’s something truly wrong with this man? Have you been angry with yourself because you know you should know better, yet you just can’t seem to escape the erratic charms of your supposed love—even though the lows with him are so awful?

Don’t feel so bad. For the narcissist can pump up and then tear down even the most well-adjusted lady. One moment, he’s got you feeling like the most desirable woman in the world. The next, you’re breaking down in tears, wondering how you managed to let someone destroy your self esteem like this.

According to Cynthia Zayn, author of Narcissistic Lovers: How to Cope, Recover and Move On, some 75 percent of narcissists are men. And there are many degrees of the affliction—which means your guy doesn’t need to have full-blown, clinically diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder to wreak havoc on your life. But it’s often hard to tell if you’re the victim of a narcissist, especially because the first stage of love with him is a blissful, magical time. At the beginning, before he reveals his true self, you might even be convinced you’ve met your soulmate.

The mood quickly changes once a narcissist is no longer getting what he wants from you, notes Zari L. Ballard, author of When Love Is a Lie: Narcissistic Partners & the Pathological Relationship Agenda. “You thought you were doing OK,” Ballard says. “Sure there were some lows—all relationships have them—but you were willing to work them out and make things right. You thought the relationship was worth fighting for…..My friend, you have been completely ‘narcissized’ and you don’t even know it.”

Here, 10 clues you’re dealing with a narcissist, so you can get out before it gets any worse.

1. He’s extremely charming—at first. A narcissist is often highly charismatic and sociable. When he sets his sights on you, he pursues you with a determination and ardor you’ve never experienced. He compliments you nonstop and persuades you to try exciting new things, wooing you with a passion and intensity that can make even the brightest, most centered lady swoon. Sex may be the best you’ve ever had, and while he’s getting what he needs from you, he makes you feel so special and wanted that you think you’ve hit the romantic jackpot. However, once he loses interest or the relationship begins to evolve past the infatuation stage, Mr. Charm quickly turns into Mr. Moody. He complains that you’ve changed on him. He whines that you’ve stopped loving him like you used to. He employs subtle passive-aggressive maneuvers to knock you off your guard and perhaps make himself feel less guilty for disappointing you. (see #7).

2. He needs to be the center of attention. No surprise here, but a narcissist loves to be in the limelight. You may find him working in a leadership position, not necessarily because he’s got talent (although he may truly have some), but because he wants to be in charge. That doesn’t mean he’s a good leader, however, so there may be conflicts at work. In a relationship, the narcissist may pretend to be interested in what you say—in fact, during the courtship phase he is usually over-the-top attentive—but ultimately, conversations are all about him. He loves to talk about himself, and name-drop to make himself seem important. And he may be easily upset at any real or perceived inattentiveness or slight against him. But it soon becomes clear—because he’s so good at getting what he wants—that he’s not as sensitive as he’d like you to think. Demanding and self-centered are more accurate words to describe him.

3. Image is very important to him. To many narcissistic men, appearance is crucial. He is often a status seeker who needs to feel superior in the eyes of others, which means he may dress well, drive an expensive car or hang around with attractive, successful people. If he doesn’t have a lot of money, he’ll claim that material things don’t matter to him (reinforcing his superiority in a different way) and find other methods to draw attention to himself. At the beginning of your relationship, he gushes over every aspect of your physical appearance and personality. The more intelligent narcissist loves being around women who possess a level of emotional maturity or self composure that he’s never been able to attain for himself; this enables him to “leach” off your strength and gives him a confidence boost knowing he got a self-assured woman like you to fall for him. But once things settle down, he begins to nit-pick, perhaps trying to control your decisions or criticize you for your fashion choices—again, in the name of keeping himself feeling superior.

4. He has no respect for rules and boundaries. At first, part of this guy’s appeal is that he seems so unconventional and somewhat rebellious. The narcissist is not afraid to ask for anything once he decides he wants it, which can be a turn-on—until you realize that his sense of entitlement and his lack of self control can prompt him to cross boundaries. You might eventually discover that he cheats on his taxes or rips up parking tickets. Even if he’s not exactly an extrovert (most narcissists are, but they can also be introverts), he’ll probably enjoy flirting with (or at least eyeing) every woman he meets—even in front of you. Which brings us to the worst part of being in love with a narcissist: He is highly likely to be unfaithful (see #9).

5. He’s more popular on social media than in real life. Sure, he may have 2,000 friends on Facebook and people might notice him when he walks into a room. He may even have an ever-evolving posse of superficial pals he hangs with occasionally. But when is the last time he went out for a beer with a good buddy? Does he even have a good buddy? Has he maintained any of his childhood pals, and how long does he generally hang onto friendships? The narcissist tends to have few or no true friends with whom to confide. Perhaps because he’s too wrapped up in his own life and has trouble empathizing? You guessed it.

In a sick way, this man is turned on by your emotional strife. Giving him another chance is just giving him another chance to hurt you.

6. He hates being criticized. Sure, no one truly likes criticism, but the narcissist is hyper-sensitive to it. And he’s particularly adverse to it in love. This is the reason he’s so into the “honeymoon” stage of a relationship; he’s intoxicated by the romance, the attention, the admiration and promise of an ideal love who will accept him without question. When you start to challenge him or make your own demands, he resorts to passive-aggressive manipulation techniques to quash your emerging doubts about him. By now, you probably have reason for those doubts, whether it’s because he’s showing less interest or he’s acting strange. When he feels he’s being judged, he may lash out (fight) or detach (flight). Either way, he’ll leave you hopelessly confused.

7. He’s quick to blame everyone else. The narcissist’s greatest manipulation technique is to dump all the blame on you. For instance, if he does something to hurt you, and you open up and tell him you’re upset, he manages to switch things around so that you’re left feeling everything is your fault. (You are too demanding! You don’t accept him as he is!) You may even find yourself apologizing, when he is the one who should’ve been sending flowers. The narcissist externalizes blame, pointing the finger at everyone but himself when there is conflict. He can’t fully consider the needs of his partner and let go of his urge to be “right” in order to have true communication, accountability and responsibility. The worst part? He won’t ever think he has a problem and definitely won’t get professional help.

8. He’s done as soon as his needs aren’t getting met. Some experts claim that life with a narcissist can be a roller coaster ride. For example, he’s sweet to you one day, then completely dismissive or mean as soon as he doesn’t get what he wants. According to Ballard, this is a sneaky form of emotional abuse where he idolizes you, then devalues you—by arguing or subjecting you to silent treatments—then comes back for another round of head games. Meanwhile you’re frantic, trying to figure out what’s going on and how he truly feels about you. But keeping you off-balance makes him feel powerful and boosts his fragile ego. In a sick way, this man is turned on by your emotional strife. So remember that giving him another chance is just giving him another chance to hurt you.

While some narcissists manage to weasel their way back into your life several times using their aforementioned charm, most will eventually discard you as soon as they’ve decided you have failed them. “Once a narcissist feels betrayed by your refusal or inability to meet his every need—or to put those needs before all others, like the children—it’s over for him,” says Stacy, a recently separated mother. “True narcissists don’t forgive. They just switch to focusing on why everything is your fault and possibly moving on to another person to suck the life from.”

9. He leaves a trail of wreckage behind him. Think about whether your guy has a history of bad relationships and work experiences. If so, consider that a red flag. Has he gotten fired from several jobs or had several blowups with colleagues? In relationships, has he experienced tumultuous breakups that left the other women a wreck? To the best of your knowledge, did he cheat on these other ladies? If he has kids, do they have issues with him? All this information can tell you a lot about how your future with this guy might look. And it ain’t pretty. 

10. He’s incapable of loving deeply. So you’re in a relationship with this person who claims he loves you, but something deep within in you repeatedly questions this love. Listen to your gut. It’s important to know that a narcissist never fully experiences love the way an emotionally healthy person does. He may gaze into your eyes during the heat of passion and make a million beautiful promises, but is he capable of putting your needs ahead of his own, and would he be there for you, no matter what? Does he miss you when you’re not around? And how much does he really know about you and ask questions about your history and dreams for the future? You may think you’re having meaningful talks, until you realize that most of the dialogs are centered around his needs. Does he make an effort to integrate you with his friends and family, while also trying to get to know yours? A well-adjusted person in love wants his life and his partner’s life to mesh, and he wants to know her on a deep level.

The bottom line: This self-centered, needy guy can’t offer you mature love. The irony is that he’s desperately looking for unconditional love, but is incapable of giving it in return. So do yourself a favor and say goodbye to him…now.