PMS is Not Funny. Period.

I used to think those girls who complained of PMS symptoms were looking for attention. Cramps? You’re kidding. Mood swings? Yeah, right. Acne and migraines? Fahgettaboudit.

And it used to tick me off when people made jokes about women being unable to serve high office, because they would do something rash “during that time of month.” As if a female president would order a nuclear missile attack just because she was on the rag. (Raiding the White House kitchen, hitting on a male intern, or sending the Secret Service on a midnight Haagen-Dazs run, however, I would not put past her.)

On the occasional month that I did get cramps or a headache, I popped a Motrin and I was good to go. But during the past year or so, all that skepticism about PMS “symptoms” has come back to bite me—big time. Suddenly, during the week before my period, I am experiencing migraines, bloating, fatigue. And oh yeah, raging hormonal swings. It is sort of like one of those pharmaceutical infomercials coming to life, except all the possible side effects are really happening.

Strangely, the hour or so before my period is the absolute worst. And apparently I am not alone. A friend recently told me that one afternoon, she picked up the phone and screamed at her next-door neighbor over a backyard-encroachment issue, only to welcome her “lady friend” three seconds after she hung up. After her outburst, my friend immediately felt better about the yard situation, as well as everything else in her life, so she called her neighbor to apologize. Her neighbor, being a victim of monthly meltdowns herself, understood completely.

I have been known to do crazy things during that witching hour, like hitting on my husband while he’s designing flow charts on his laptop, or going out and buying a Red Velvet cake for no apparent reason.

Here’s some of the other amusing stuff I did during the hour before my last period: Screamed at my kids for leaving their scooters in the driveway. Screamed at a copy of Highlights magazine for giving me a paper cut. Consumed an entire bag of corn chips and a jar of salsa while watching a ridiculously bad Lifetime movie. Snapped at my mother on the phone.

In my defense, you really can’t blame me for that last misdemeanor, because this is how my mother answers the phone:

“Oh, honey, is that you? Yeah, hi. Sorry it took me so long to get to the phone. I was in the dining room clipping coupons. They have spiral honey hams on sale at Key Food, it’s such a good deal. I need to run over there tomorrow and pick one up for the holidays. Oh, and then the Chinese food delivery guy was at the door, so I had to go and find my purse…”

“Mom?”

“…I couldn’t find it anywhere, but then I realized it was in the dining room, because that’s where I was putting the coupons after I cut them. Anyway, the delivery guy didn’t have change, so I had to dig through my purse…”

“Mom?”

“Oh, and that’s when I heard the phone ring, but by the time I finished paying the guy the answering machine went on, so I put the Chinese food down in the kitchen and ran to get the phone…”

“Mom!!”

“You don’t have to yell. I’m here. So how are you? You never tell me anything that’s going on over there.”

Bottom line, we should learn to enjoy the PMS while it lasts, because it’s a lot more manageable than the post-menopausal Dingbat Syndrome that’s heading our way. I remember my grandmother used to have similar phone manners, twenty years ago, and it drove my mother crazy. I guess the take-out doesn’t fall far from the delivery truck, so I’ll be preparing for the day my daughter calls me and I spend ten minutes reflecting on the medications I’m taking and the early-bird dinner I had the previous night.

Ah, so much to look forward to. But for now I’ll leave you with one of the funniest shorts Saturday Night Live has ever produced. It’s a fake commercial for a period-delaying woman’s pill called Annuale. Watch it now to understand how grateful you should be that you still get a visit from your lady friend once a month.

This story originally appeared in Lady and a Red Typewriter, 2011.