Should You Sleep With Your Ex?

The fleeting fling can be such a lovely experience. It’s especially more delicious when it happens in the middle of a dry spell, after a recent break-up, or just during a time when you are craving some attention from the opposite sex. After all, what woman doesn’t want to feel wanted and sexy? But what if this sexual company happens to be your ex—the husband, boyfriend or partner you thought you’d left behind forever? Is it ever a good call to give an old relationship—especially one you once slammed a door on—another spin (or two, or three)?

There could be many reasons why having an affair with an ex might seem appealing. We’ve all seen It’s Complicated, the romantic comedy where ex-spouses Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin end up back under the sheets together some 10 years after their divorce. That liaison had hysterical and, well, complicated results, suggesting that there’s more for ex-lovers to consider than their renewed sexual attraction for one another.

Here’s where you need to be brutally honest with yourself and make a responsible decision about whether or not to risk “going back there.” Even if both parties have the best intentions in mind, there are certain pitfalls to avoid. To keep the gratification flowing and the feelings out of play, here are some key points to consider before heading down this road-already-taken with your former partner.

Remember that nostalgia can be a powerful thing. There’s something to be said about two people who are still attracted to one another after a breakup. Chances are, there was real chemistry to begin with, along with which comes a whole slew of emotions. And having a history with someone can trigger nostalgic feelings. You’ve clearly enjoyed getting naked for with this person before, so the nostalgia acts like a natural aphrodisiac. Memories of how they smell, what they taste like and how they react to your touch can serve as mental pornography, further fueling the connection. And that connection itself seems so natural. Here’s where you need to be honest with yourself and decide whether or not you want to risk “going back there,” which may be more emotionally complicated than you think.

Set clear intentions. You don’t need to organize a talk-out session, but it’s important from day one for you both to understand that if you guys are going to head in this direction, it doesn’t mean a renewal of shared groceries or someone to take your trash out. If you mutually decide that this affair will be about fulfilling a drought or seizing the moment—nothing more than a little fun in both your lives as separate people— then more power to you both. But if either of you is expecting more, enter with extreme caution. Follow the wise old adage of “keep the fun in the bedroom.” It means exactly that: don’t start hanging out outside the bedroom. If you need to eat, order in or watch a Netflix movie.

Nix the sleepovers. Um, this should be a rule at many stages of dating, but even more so a firm rule during a brief encounter with the ex. It doesn’t have to be a “quickie in the bathroom,” but should be put in the friends-with-benefits category. You know and like each other, have good sexual vibes and are comfortable with each other’s sexual history. But that sleepover can turn into someone telling you to clean your room or wanting more. Think about that for a second and you’ll know exactly why to bust a move home.

Avoid bringing up old feelings. Yep, talking about how you feel or felt is not an aphrodisiac for anyone (unless you actually do want to get back together). It’s better to just yell NO right up front and run away than to begin airing any grievances. Resurfacing what was once upon a time not only diminishes the mood, but reveals the true intent that your partner in sexual crimes is more about talking than doing. Unless you want to discuss the intricacies of why your relationship fell apart…again, shut this type of conversing down. If it continues, text another ex that can handle the gig. However, the exception to this rule is if there’s dirty talk or carefully chosen words like “do you like that there?” that certainly enhances the sexual experience.

Ditch the fairytale fantasies. If you’re both entering this arrangement for pure physical satisfaction, you should keep in mind that there is no storybook ending. If one of you finds yourself imagining a beach ceremony where you renew your wedding vows, for instance, and the other is thinking about which position is best, it could be emotional torture for the one with feelings. And what happens if one of you meets “the one” during your rekindled love affair? Will jealousy eventually come into play? Bottom line is, if the relationship becomes emotional torture for anyone, end it. Being with an old love after the breakup, no matter how long, should be categorized as friends with benefits or a one-night stand. Don’t let your mind wander into the Hollywood ending of living happily ever after.

Don’t forget that they’re the “ex” for a reason. It’s all fun and games until someone gets wistful for what once was, or start thinking that a permanent reunion would be a brilliant idea. Close your eyes and think very carefully about the time your ex made you lose your shit and throw something at him, his habit of buying the worst gifts, or the way he used to sit around and watch you work without even offering a hand. Seriously consider whether you’d find that sort of behavior charming or funny if you had to put up with it again on a regular basis. There you go. You’re back to reality. Now that you may have lost the urge, it’s time to spread eagle or keep your legs shut and walk out.